Retreat 2016

I honestly did not expect the retreat to be that intense. I thought it would be like camp where there would be talks and activities and you just cry once. But no, the retreat wasn’t like that at all.

 

From the first talk onwards, we were already trying not to cry. Every word from kuya Niko’s mouth felt like knives that went through all of our hearts. It was as if he knew exactly what we were going through and what we were dealing with. Every single sharing was heavy and we felt the pain and sadness of the sharers. Every minute of the retreat was intense and it caught me completely off guard.

The retreat also opened up a lot of issues. Some of these issues I didn’t realize I had until they resurfaced themselves during the group-sharings.

My favourite part of the retreat was during the night of day one where there was small circle formed by candles in the middle of the chapel of the retreat house. It was a very quiet and the mood was very solemn. There were chairs outside the circle of candles and that was where we sat.

 

First Kuya Niko taught us three hand-signals that meant “I love you,” “I feel you,” and “It’s going to be okay.” The whole purpose of the activity was to not say the word and let our actions be enough to for the silence.

Kuya Niko said that he will read a few things from his Ipad and if that somehow describes us we stand up and get inside the circle. Then we face those who are outside the circle and they in return will show us their signs.

Kuya would say things like: “Whoever has always felt that he or she has never been good enough, please step inside the circle.”

When it applied to me I’ll stand up and then eye everyone who did as well. It comforts me but somehow pains me whenever I see the people who stood up with me. We slowly get inside the circle and usually I’d realize how many we all are.

The whole ritual was kind of a silent confession where no one was saying anything, but somehow everyone was saying everything. Students  would be crying when they stand up and they would cry even more when they look at the people who are standing with them.

Kuya Niko then asked us to look outside the circle and look at the people sitting on the chairs. He’d ask them to give their signs to us and somehow that small gesture feels really personal.

When I looked outside the circle I’d see their “I love you’s” and “It’s going to be okay’s.” Everyone was looking at everyone in the circle with love and compassion. After that kuya Niko would encourage everyone to affirm and hug the people who just stood in the circle.

It was a very emotional moment and I can’t even describe how bittersweet the whole situation was. It felt comforting because we understand each other and none of us were really alone in the first place, but it also felt painful because you share the same hurt and problems and you know exactly what it’s like.

The whole experience was heavy, heart-wrenching, but it was also heart-warming, and comforting. Still, the most emotional part of it all for me was whenever I saw my sister standing with me inside the circle.

I can’t even explain what I felt when I saw her there and she saw me. I still don’t have the words. It was like I wanted to tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way but at the same time I can’t because I was also inside the circle and I also felt that way. Whenever I saw her I’d just hug her and she’d just cry on my shoulder.

It was amazing that even though no one was saying a word, everything that has to be said has been said. For the first time I think we actually realized that we weren’t different and we’re going through the same things. We realized that we were never alone in the first place.

Even after the retreat, I carried the emotions and even the reopened wounds back home. I still couldn’t figure out why I still felt like crying even though I was already inside my house.

I could still feel the heaviness of it all. The truth about everyone. The truth about me. I was suddenly aware of the source of my insecurities.

Everything was still so heavy and there were times when I felt like crying at the dinner table. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and everything about me was still broken and messed up. By God’s grace, I didn’t cry. I went online and found one of my friends from the retreat was there.

Almost immediately, I shared to him what was inside and when I did, I somehow felt this overwhelming calm. Suddenly I every single urge to cry was gone.

I realized that the reason why God showed me all of my insecurities and pain again, is because I’m meant to let it out. I’m meant to rely on people. I’m so used to listening and having people tell me their problems but I myself don’t go to anyone when I have problems. I just pray, that’s it. I keep everything to myself.

But somehow, after the retreat, when I saw that everyone was going through the same things as I am, I realized... I don’t have to be scared to open up. I don’t have to be alone because I am not alone. And that single truth broke my walls down.

And now I’m more open to sharing. And sharing isn’t at all bad. I realize it makes people feel light and when I share, the person who I share it to somehow grows closer to me. As if our friendship has a stronger bond.

 

I never knew that. That pain is meant so that people can help you and so that you can understand them in return. I never knew that pain was there so that you learn how to rely on people and you learn how to love.

So I think that’s the most amazing thing that I got from the retreat. I managed to put the walls I’ve built around myself.

I was so used to thinking that nobody understood my pain and that I have to be strong on my own. But I was wrong. There’s someone out there, there’s always someone who’ll understand what you’ going through. And there’s always someone who’s willing to help.

Vulnerability is also a form of love, it’s a form of trust.

God’s amazing and He’s granted me people I can trust. I realize that I’m no longer afraid to let people in and I shouldn't be afraid because God is in His people.