CLE Reflection (July Issue)

Vulnerability
by Yvonne Fudge Santos

“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest.

Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me.

I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest.

This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.”

(Matthew 11:28-30)

My Burdens

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”
–J.M. Barrie

As my eyes scanned through the passages laid out to me, I start to really ask myself; “What are my burdens? Do I even have any?” But in a matter of seconds, my heart starts to feel a stinging pang of pain as I realize that I did have burdens, and I had lots of them.

Everyone has something they carry with them as they go on through life. Life isn’t necessarily filled with sadness or pain, but there are times when they tend to pass through us more than once. These emotions and situations cannot be avoided; they will always be a part of humanity.

Don’t get me wrong, the life I’m living is still filled with happiness and blessings, but I still have my share of sadness and hurting.

Sometimes, the sadness I feel weigh me down and I just can’t help but fall and curl up on the ground, feeling like there will never be a way out.

I find my sadness whenever I take a look at what I fear the most. Usually my fears are about how I think I will never be good enough. This may be a simple thought and a simple kind of fear, but it is like a small snowball rolling from the highest peak of a hill, downwards, becoming bigger and bigger as it rolls and acquires more snow. At the end of the hill where the snowball finally halts into a stop, I usually find myself with a big boulder of ice facing me. That was how it was whenever I thought of my fear. Not so simple now, right?

That single thought of being not good enough would usually lead me into thinking that I can never be good enough for my friends, then it would lead into thinking that I could never be good enough for my responsibilities, or for my life.

“Why would I be worthy of life if I wasn’t good enough to live it?” that’s what I would ask myself often whenever I come face to face with this boulder of ice.

This boulder of snow frightens me to my very core. Because if I wasn’t good enough, why would anyone need me? Why would anyone need me when I wasn’t good enough to succeed, good enough to lead, or good enough to fulfill my dreams. Why?

Well, later on I found out that this was all a lie. This boulder of snow was an illusion.

Breaking My Walls

I realized that the fears I carried with me were the walls I built around my life.  They were some sort of protection I thought I was giving myself. I thought that if I knew that I wasn’t good enough, and I didn’t try to do anything new at all, I wouldn’t fail and I wouldn’t get hurt.

But I was wrong, because these walls were lies that kept me from seeing the truth. I then realize that in order for God to carry your burdens, you have to let down your walls. You destroy your walls and you let Him in.

I realized that these fears that I was carrying was something that was hard to let go. They were extremely hard to let go. Because, I thought that if I let them go, I’ll be vulnerable, weak, and unready. But that wasn’t what happened; because, as I let my walls down, He came in. He changed everything.

In one of my prayers I heard God tell me the following message:

“There is absolutely no reason for me not to love you. I did not die for a mistake, you are not a mistake. I know what you’re going through and I am so proud of you. I know your fears. I know how hard living is. And I am so proud that even when you are given the choice to give up, you didn’t. You will always be good enough my child, you are more than enough. You are my world. I am with you always and I love you. I know that you are capable of great things. You are capable of everything you set your mind into. You are enough and you are important. I have never been ashamed of you for I know that the battles you are facing are hard. Give them to me, my child. Let me help you and I will give you rest. I’ll take care of it, I’ll give you rest…”

“Lord what if I let you down? What if I fail?” I asked Him, tears stinging my eyes.

“You can never do that, my child. I’m already so proud of who you are. I know all the battles you are facing and I know how strong you have been. I have always been proud of you. Always.”

“But, Lord, I’m so unworthy,” I would say.

“As I lay there on that cross, I was looking at you and only you. You are worth it and you are loved. I know you even when you weren’t even born yet. I know you and I love you. Even when a mother forgets her child, I will never forget you. If you ask me why I love you, it will be like asking yourself why you breathe.”

Once I realized how much God loves me, everything inside me shook. There was no way to explain how groundbreaking the sensation is until you feel it yourself.

I felt a dab of His love when I attended the CFA 2013 retreat. During that time, I managed to get every wall I had that surrounded me down. And there was no way to describe how I felt once He started making His way through me. Everything felt overwhelming.

I was continuously crying because the happiness and relief was to strong that it would keep breaking my composure down. During those moments in the retreat I was crying because I absolutely had no idea that I was missing everything. His love has always been there and it has always been constant. And I realized that almost all my life I have always been ignoring Him.

“I’m always here… waiting. I’m so glad that you’re looking for me. I am here, it’s never too late to turn around. It’s never too late to come back to me, I’m just here waiting for you. I have always been here. You are my world, my child.  And everything I am is yours.”

Give to Him your burdens and let down your walls. You will receive peace and you will find Him.

Now

There would be times that I would still feel my burdens ache behind my back, but I will always be reminded by the fact that I wasn’t carrying them alone anymore, I was never alone.

I am God’s child, He loves me. I am His and He is mine. I can do anything I set myself out to do because everything is possible when I’m with Him. I am loved. I am capable. I am strong. I am more than enough.

I want everyone to realize this message; a message that states that every one of us is strong enough to survive the pain and problems, because we have Him.

And He will always be with us, just remember to let your walls down. Let Him in.

“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest.

Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me.

I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest.

This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.”

(Matthew 11:28-30)